Finding the Feminine

by Christine Hassler

illustrations by Elke Ehninger

From the outside, I look like a woman who has it all: a job that I love, a husband who adores me, a home that we own, and a jam-packed schedule. Growing up, I was always told I could and should do anything I wanted to do with my life. So my identity was defined by what I did. And the more I accomplished, the more validation I received. But somewhere along the way, I began facing depression, health issues, exhaustion, and a lack of fulfillment. Somewhere along my way to having it all, I lost one very important thing: my femininity.

Suddenly, I felt like a part of me was missing. I looked at my life and noticed I did not have close female friends; I spent very little time doing anything creative or domestic, and there was little in my life that I nurtured. Instead, I worked all the time, had short and to the point conversations with people, and avoided my emotions by resting comfortably in my intellect. In essence, I was acting more like a man than a woman. But these masculine traits had written my success story, and I did not know how to let them go. Could I be a successful, yet feminine woman at the same time?

Whether we are male or female, each one of us has (and needs) both masculine and feminine energy.

Masculine energy is direct, logical, self-sufficient, active, and goal-oriented. Feminine energy is sensitive, creative, embracing, compassionate, and intuitive. As women, feeling successful and balanced in life requires a harmonious integration of both our masculine and feminine.

Today, women comprise 48 percent of the workforce. But what have we had to sacrifice to get there? To participate in what has traditionally been a “man’s world,” women have stepped more into their masculine energy, focusing on being driven, independent, and highly productive. At the same time, many multi-tasking women are unfulfilled and depleted. So it begs the question, has stepping more fully into our masculine energy thrown off what is divinely feminine within us?

Lana Holstein, MD, the managing director of sexuality and vitality programs at Miraval Resort, says yes. “Since so many women have been rewarded for their masculine aspects, there has not been much encouragement or opportunity to equally work with their feminine aspects.” In her practice, Holstein has noticed a trend of women who have been so preoccupied with getting a degree, money, or corner office, that they often forget to nurture their true womanly essence on a physical, mental, and emotional level.

My own forgetfulness about my femininity became very obvious two years ago when I finally went to see a hormonal specialist after not having my periods for four years. I was also feeling exhausted, depressed, and anxious. He ran a panel of blood work and when I returned for the results, he said, “My dear, we must figure out what is going on, you have no hormones. Your body is not working like a thirty-year-old woman’s should.”

Although this was big news, I was not shocked. From the outside, everything about me affirms my womanhood: long hair, delicate features, curves in all the right places, the ability to cry at commercials, and a drawer full of makeup. But being a woman is not about physical appearances. Feminine energy is an undeniable force found within each woman that connects her to something that is divine, sacred, powerful, and uniquely female. And that connection is missing for many of us, as it was for me.

My disconnection from the feminine started when I did not begin puberty when all the other girls did. To cope with feeling ashamed and different, I focused on my mind, my ability to problem solve, my independence, and my lack of emotional expression. Now, after decades of reliance on my masculine energy, my body had stopped functioning as a female. I was scared, angry, and confused about what to do next. I wanted children, I longed for a sex drive, and I ached for a connection to my femininity. The doctor suggested taking bio-identical hormones and told me to “slow down and enjoy the flow of being a woman.”

Did he mean I should spend more time doing domestic things like cooking? What does it really mean to connect with your feminine? According to Holstein, “The process of connecting to our femininity is different for each woman. For some, it’s working in her garden, for others it’s nurturing children, while others connect during times of quiet or inner reflection. It can also be found by creating beauty around oneself or expressing oneself through dance or sex.”

In my journey to find the feminine, I tried many of these suggestions, yet nothing was really shifting. I still felt more comfortable in my masculine energy and continued to lose myself in my work. I realized that connecting to the feminine was going to take more than trying out some new recipes or shopping with girlfriends. How could I learn what being a woman really meant and felt like?

The answer came in the form of a phone call from my best friend who had just gotten back from a retreat called “Celebration of Woman, the Goddess.” As she described her experience, all I could hear was absolute joy. I immediately called the women who created and facilitate the workshop, Rajyo Markman and Britta Johnson, both life coaches and spiritual counselors. I asked if they could help me find my feminine. Markman gently explained, “Our retreat provides a space that is nurturing to a woman and allows her to dive into questions about her femininity and organically come up with answers from within.” Sensing my hesitation, she then said to me in the most soothing voice, “Christine, you don’t have to do anything, just come, it will happen.”

The Celebration of Woman workshops take place all over the world. The destination that was the womb for my retreat was a cozy and rustic home in Lake Elsinor, California. When I arrived Thursday evening my mind was swimming with thoughts, “What would the other women be like? Will I have some kind of profound awakening?” As I looked around the room at the other eight women, I noticed how uncomfortable and separate I felt. All my insecurities about being among women, and my fears about what I would confront in the retreat bubbled to the surface.

As we entered the workshop room, which was illuminated by dozens of candles and adorned with beautiful scarves, pillows, and flowers, Johnson invited us to take a seat in a circle and close our eyes. After she guided us through a relaxation process, we were asked to share our intentions for the retreat. I knew if I really wanted to fulfill my intention of finding the feminine, I could not worry what others thought. So I shared, albeit vulnerably, about my past and the woman in me that I wanted to discover. As I spoke, nodding heads and eyes filling with tears showed me the understanding and compassion that was present.

After our sharing, Johnson invited us to stand up and get into our bodies. Wait, I was far more comfortable just sitting around and talking, couldn’t we do that? I quickly learned Celebration of Woman is not the kind of workshop that involves a lot of lectures.